Breaking Free From A Dysfunctional Unhealthy Family Dynamic
Disclaimer: If your not vibrating on my same frequency, identifying with your wounds, operating out of your unhealed ego and pride then you may be offended by certain things I say because sometimes the truth hurts. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.
The Art of Forgiveness and Restoration
“Forgiveness does not necessarily mean restoration. If the relationship can be restored, and it is within God’s will for it to be restored, then restoration is the best plan. But a broken relationship cannot always be restored. Sometimes it would not even be wise, especially in cases where abuse has been involved.” (Meyer, 1997, p. 115).
This paragraph provided me with a deeper meaning on true forgiveness and whether restoration is necessary in certain relationships. However, as mentioned above “if abuse has been involved,” therefore it wouldn’t be wise to restore the relationship.
Remember you have the choice whether you want to restore a relationship or not. Also, don’t ever feel bad for not wanting to restore a relationship after you’ve forgiven a person.
Throughout many years, I’ve learned to wish people well(regardless of how the relationship ended; no need to play the blame game either,) pray they are open to receive the restoration of their soul from the most high. However, you must learn the art of acceptance & detachment with love. At times makes the road to healing a little easier.
In the flesh, we cannot interfere with the most high’s plan when it pertains to whether a relationship is meant to be restored or not.
“If we want to reconcile with our family or with friends who have hurt us, we have to take care of ourselves first.” (Hanh, 2010, p. 36).
My testimony: From a past experience, the most high removed me and one of my close family members in order to show us, we both had to work on our own internal healing/forgiveness and once we did; he restored our relationship. Till this day I’m grateful for that experience and the restoration of our relationship because the most high brought us closer together.
Listen to Rev. Clay Evans & The AARC Mass Choir-I’ve Got A Testimony
The woman I’m becoming each and everyday is the person I’ve always needed growing up! Therefore, it’s such a huge flex for me to make my inner child proud!
Denial keeps you in bondage
In my current line of work and learning from past experiences, I’ve witnessed many people refuse to attend family therapy. Due to the fact that they will finally have to face how much of a negative impact they’ve had on someone else’s life. (Including their own lives.)
Speak your truth anyways!
The first stage in the grief process is Denial.
“This is a state of shock, numbness, panic, and general refusal to accept or acknowledge reality. We do everything and anything to put things back in place or pretend the situation isn’t happening. There is much anxiety and fear in this stage.” (Beattie, 1992, p. 135). Throughout life, many of us will have to face the denial stage during the grief process. Being in denial keeps you stuck due to the fact that one hasn’t acknowledged one’s current life circumstance(s). Also, one must not feel bad about feelings of denial.
Breaking free of being in bondage from denial is first accepting what has transpired in one’s own life. Accepting denial can be scary at first, one must be gentle with oneself. However, what’s even scarier is knowing the negative impact of remaining in bondage of denial. The impact of being in denial may cause stress, illness, addiction, one may continue to run from reality; just to name a few.
I pray this may help motivate you to release being in denial of different life circumstances.
Remember to always take things one day at a time. Also, give yourself grace!
Love and Abuse CANNOT coexist
“We cannot claim to love if we are hurtful and abusive.” “Love and abuse cannot coexist.”(Hooks, 2000, p.6). Any type of abuse is NOT acceptable; whether it’s financial, emotional, spiritual, physical or sexual abuse. It’s not okay.
You cannot claim to love me if you disrespect me, you cannot claim to love me if you speak ill on my name and don’t wish the best for me. And vice versa.
“A lack of sustain love does not mean the absence of care, affection, or pleasure.” (Hooks, 2000, p. 9). It’s very easy to overlook any ongoing emotional dysfunction, whenever certain bonds are full of care. Remember it doesn’t make you a bad person because you overlooked any dysfunction in your life. But, now it’s up to you to work on your own internal healing (whether it’s seeking professional help, utilizing free resources/tools, attending support groups, or even maintaining a daily self-care routine). Therefore, in order to become a healed, whole, well version of yourself; it’s no easy overnight fix. Healing takes time!
Knowing When Enough is Enough
“Many times hurting, wounded people are drawn to other hurting people.” (Meyer, 1997, p. 183). Even if one does escape abuse, the effects don’t end suddenly.
“Their children pick up the tendency to abuse and pass it on from one generation to the next. The abusive tendency will go on until someone draws the blood line of their Jesus and boldly declares, “that’s enough! This curse of abuse is not going any further! It is stopping right here!” (Meyer, 1997, p. 184). I said years ago “Enough is enough”. I fought so hard to heal from a poisonous, dysfunctional, toxic family dynamic I refuse to ever revert back to being in survival mode. I had to forgive each part of my past selves in each previous chapters for the choices I’ve made while in survival mode. So I could release the old and make room for the new. I won’t lie the healing journey won’t ever be easy but the great thing about it is: your showing up for yourself everyday (even though some days are tougher than others), your showing others, they too have their own light of their own (no matter what they’ve experienced in life), you didn’t allow the enemy keep you in bondage nor didn’t allow the enemy to continue to lie to you (about whether you didn’t have the courage to heal.) “The best way to do that is by helping someone else. Start being a blessing to others, and you will start bruising satan’s head” (Meyer, 1997, p. 176).
The Discomfort of ending one-sided relationships
The difficult part was acceptance of letting certain people, places, even jobs, outdated thinking patterns, go.
A lot of times you have to ask yourself “are any of your current relationships meeting you half way or are they based on trauma bonding?”
It was very uncomfortable at first cutting off relationships that weren’t meeting me halfway, whether it was ‘so called’ family, friends, etc.
I felt uncomfortable due to the fact that I wanted to keep certain relationships going but later realized those relationships were outdated. Throughout my healing process, I came to the realization that even if doing what’s best for me made me feel uncomfortable, it’s okay because anyone whose meant to evolve with me, will continue on the journey with me and others who aren’t meant to continue on my journey will be removed. It’s also important to be aware when to not to keep unfulfilling relationships going in your life, if you guys have outgrown each other. That’s okay. Every relationship doesn’t have to end with beef.
Many factors can keep one clinging to old outdated relationships such as: fear, codependency, lack of self-love, lack of self-respect, lack of self-accountability, lack of self-awareness, (to name a few.)
Releasing An Outdated Role
This past December in 2021, while I was meditating the question I asked myself was: ‘why have certain family members treated me different over the years?!’
Later that day, while I was scrolling through my. Instagram timeline I was stunned when the term “scapegoat” came across my screen. Then I began reading the comments and certain individual stories were relatable to mine. So then I begin doing more research and revisiting past memories with certain family members. I began connecting the dots.
Many times a child believes he/she can earn the love of a parent(s) by his/her actions. But, in all reality the child will go down a never ending cycle of trying to earn the love (people pleasing) of someone who truly doesn’t even love themselves. (Which one later discovers on their self-healing journey).
“Why is it that 10 years after escaping from the same abusive environment, one person is walking in victory, while the other has made no progress at all? The reason is, one has done what he was supposed to do, and the other has not.” (Managing your emotions, 1997, p. 190). That’s why internal healing is so important, your capable of minding your own business and staying in your own lane; while water and nourishing the seed planted in you by the most high. Another beautiful thing about healing is your capable of sharing your testimony with others experiencing similar life circumstances.
Remember you are more than equipped to overcome any obstacle you face in life. Always go within!
No one can be upset with anyone who chooses to heal and no longer wants to remain stagnant, toxic or dysfunctional.
I know when someone truly cares about me and when they don’t. That’s the art of self-love and discernment.
I’ve grieved in silence the fact that I used to have certain people sitting at a table full of blessings prepared by the most high and those same people didn’t wish me well. That’s a whole nother level of hurt. When situations as such were brought to my attention, I had two choices: ‘either continue to allow certain people to have access to me’ or ‘cut all ties.’ Therefore, I chose to ‘cut all ties.’ The road to self-healing can be lonely at times. But, always remember your not alone, if you may feel that way. Therefore, the great thing about not having certain people in your life, that don’t wish you well, is once they are removed ‘it’s like a breath of fresh air or even a weight lifted off of your shoulders.’
They can keep “scapegoat,” because I’m the GOAT!
The Importance of Self-Awareness
In your healing journey you must also learn the importance of self-awareness and how your own character, feelings, motives & desires play a part in certain relationships and situations.
Remember don’t limit yourself to unwanted opinions of others; especially with all the progress and healing you’ve made to become a healed, whole, and well version of yourself! They better put some respect on your name!
You won’t ever be disappointed by choosing to put yourself FIRST; it will bring you peace!
Listen to Zro-Doing just fine (“Success is the best revenge”)
Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Taylor & Francis.
Hạnh, N. (2010). Reconciliation: Healing the inner child. Random House Inc.
Hooks, bell. (2018). All about love: New visions. William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
Meyer, J. (1997). Managing your emotions: Instead of your emotions managing you! Harrison House.