The Importance of Self-love
Disclaimer: If your not vibrating on my same frequency, or if you are identifying with your wounds, operating out of your unhealed ego and pride then you may be offended by certain things I say because sometimes the truth hurts. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.
Healing Takes Time!
What is self-love?
Self-love is learning that your own happiness and well-being come first. Therefore, not feeling guilt or shame around finally putting YOU, first in your life. However, if any adult (that’s more than capable of taking care of their own needs, attempts to project shame and guilt onto you about putting your needs first, then you may want to reconsider not allowing that person to have access to you).
Self-love to me means showing up for yourself everyday even if some days are tougher than others; being brave, courageous and showing herself it takes a lot strength to continue “pressing on” through different/difficult seasons you’re facing in life.
Remember to always be proud of all the progress you’ve made and how far you’ve come in life.
Self-love is learning discernment on who deserves access to you or who doesn’t.
“Detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem in love.” (Beattie, 1992, p. 67).
“Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people‘s responsibilities and tend to our own instead.” (Beattie, 1992, p. 67).
Detachment is self-love.
Authentic self-love raises your vibration/frequency and teaches others how you know you deserve to be treated.
Self-love is self-respect.
Self-love is doing that one thing you enjoy doing everyday. (That doesn’t bring you or anyone else harm).
Self-love is giving gratitude everyday.
Start off everyday giving gratitude for one thing you are grateful for.
Ex: “giving life everyday and the chance to open your eyes and reset and finish anything that you were not able to finish the day before.”
Ex: “Food, water, shelter, growth, healing, family, etc.”
Self-love is holding yourself accountable, respecting yourself, clapping for yourself, showing up for yourself everyday (even on the days that are tough), self-discipline.
Self-love is knowing when enough is enough.
Self-love is being assertive while setting healthy firm boundaries at the beginning of any relationship and during the relationship.
Anyone who truly cares about your well-being will understand the importance of putting yourself first. Anyone who truly cares about you, they want the best for you!
Always pay attention to someone’s actions whenever you tell them you come first.
Why are healthy boundaries important?
“Other boundaries that we set are for people. These boundaries prevent us from being hurt, and they help others realize that if they want a relationship with us, they won’t be allowed to take advantage of us in the process.” (Meyer, 2018, p. 159–160). Setting healthy firm boundaries keeps everyone protected. If you do not have healthy firm boundaries then people are going to attempt to run all over you. Along with you may feel because you don’t have healthy firm boundaries then you may take offense to another persons boundaries or even not respect that persons boundaries.
Your needs should NEVER come second to anyone. Learn to fill your cup FIRST.
And even if you’re a parent or caretaker, you still must learn to fill your cup first because how can you help anyone appropriately while giving genuine love if your cup is empty?
When you finally face the fact of why you continue to “choose Men who were not interested in being loving, I was unable to practice giving love, but always within an unfulfilling context.” (Hooks, 2008, p. 10)
There’s a difference between attracting and choosing. Just because your attracted someone doesn’t mean you have to choose to keep them in your life. That’s where learning to listen to your discernment and intuition comes into play.
Just because you and someone are a magnetic match doesn’t mean their a vibrational match for you.
“In order to change the loveliness in my primary relationships, I had to first learn anew meaning of love and from there learn how to be loving. Embracing a definition of love that was clear was the first step in the process” (Hooks, 2000, p. 10–11).
That’s the undoing of wanting to become a healed, whole, well version of yourself; is letting go of any baggage that has kept you in bondage to your past. True forgiveness of yourself and those who have played a role in hurting you.
All the healthy love you want from others, you must learn to give to yourself first. (Go within). So there’s no confusion when your dating. It will truly show you if your settling, if your needs are constantly unfulfilled in a relationship, after discussing the topic with your partner.
If any relationship consistently drains you, you should cut all ties. Healthy relationships do not drain you! Remember that!
Watch “A Wrinkle in time,”
for a visual representation of learning to heal/transmute your darkness into light. Which truly provided me with a better understanding of how I’ve allowed my darkness for so many years (darkness: all the pain/trauma you’ve experienced from past relationships,etc.) keep me in bondage and why I was continuing to choose unfulfilling relationships. “Our confusion about what we mean when we use the word “love” is the source of our difficulty in loving.” (Hooks, 2000 p. 3).
Due to the fact, that I didn’t know how to even fulfill my own needs. Which caused more confusion on my end and not being able to get my needs fulfilled.
The Mystery Behind Self-Love
“We cannot claim to love if we are hurtful and abusive” (Hooks, 2000, p. 6). For example, ‘Someone cannot say they love you if their abusive.’ “Love and abuse cannot coexist.” (Hooks, 2000, p. 6).
“Confronting lovelessness is part of the healing process.” (Hooks, 2000, p. 6). By confronting that you lack self-love doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s truly showing you that it’s time to confront your lack of not having self-love in your life.
If you don’t acknowledge your lack in life, then how can you better yourself.
Listen to ‘Ciara x Level Up’
Develop a Daily self-care which is important for your self love routine even if it’s an hour out of your day. Listed below are some self-care examples:
When in doubt meditate!
- Self help books are always a plus.
- Taking a walk
- Going to the park or beach
- Taking a trip
- Listening to your favorite music
- Watching your favorite show or movie
It may get lonely on your self love journey but you must press on. Those meant to grow and evolve with you WILL and those meant to be removed from your life WILL.
One person you shouldn’t play about is yourself!
Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Taylor & Francis.
Hooks, bell. (2018). All about love: New visions. William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
Meyer, J. (2018). Healing the soul of a woman: How to overcome your emotional wounds. Faith Words.